In a post on Meta-gaming, Actor-Stance, Author-stance, and Narration over at Doyce's Random Average geeky [gaming] blog, I noted in a comment:
I don't want to say being the only woman at the table is an issue, because there's no reason it should be.
I want to say, "But it is," and it's not the boys' fault.
DISCLAIMER: (while some examples come from real life, none of them are intended to suggest people are 'doin' it wrong.' They are purely my observations and tinted by my perceptions and all of that.)
I've been avoiding "girl gamer habitats" for a long time. It's not that there aren't a lot of problems about how male and female gamers interact - I hold by my statement that you can just take the word "gamer" out of that and gain some inkling of the actual dichotomy - and I have grown out of the whole, "But Gamers Are Supposed To Be Better" mindset as a whole. (Except that they totally are.)
I just don't generally have anything to add about being female and being a gamer. (I think the "girl" portion is mostly for alliteration - I don't see anything perjorative in it, but I understand some folk do so I'm trying to consider their viewpoint and phase it out a little.) Can guys be jerks? Sure. Can women? Absolutely. Everyone who exists has some possibility of being a jerk. So I don't want to (don't care to) share my "horror stories" or disgust over some artist or production and the company that hired them, which is what it seems most of the forums for the gals end up being.
At first, I thought it was because I'm a misogynistic snarkhound. Which I am, don't get me wrong, but I thought it was just that. I mean, I've seen the "GM's Girlfriend" be a guy.[1] I've heard the important arguments of whether or not to bring kids to the gaming session (a very important discussion when you lay down your gaming contract) and seen what kind of sexist assumptions come out of it. I'm over it.
I really didn't care when in the PTA game my character was less a butt-kicking warrior type and instead got to do the trope where she dresses up and seduces the soldiers for information. It was fun, and it was PTA - a TV trope was appropriate.
While my own "home group" (the Minions of past, present, and future) have always been good about crossgender play[2], when I'm in someone else's group I generally try to play someone my own gender. I'm fine with that - there's nothing that says I shouldn't show a little courtesy.
Do I care when "the woman's role" in the group is to be 'the healer'? Sure, because I don't play a good nurturer type, even in real life.[3] If I was constantly pigeonholed (ooh, that's dirty!) I probably would make a fuss.
But I've also been at many otherwise male gaming sessions and noted:
- I get treated differently when I wear make-up.
That's a silly one, but true. It's true in the workplace, too. I don't like it, because it makes me feel manipulative. It's not so much a bonus like, "Hah! I will wear make-up because it gives me a +1 to my presence at the table," but I've noticed a little more entry into the discussion because of it.
Which leads me obviously to the next point:
- I get spoken over a lot.
Now, I know the people I game with, and I know some of them are very much the "put up or shut up" type, even in (maybe especially in) gaming, and they want you to have enough backbone to take it or shout back. I don't mind being loud, but a woman being loud is perceived a heck of a lot differently than a man being loud. A man being loud is talking. Sometimes excitedly, sometimes he's telling a story, but he's just talking. A woman being loud is too close to being shrill and/or bossy. While there's a place for that, that leads to interpersonal tension in a group. I don't want to be that person.
Maybe it's a girl thing.
(I named this "part one" because I'll be adding to this, but I'm now out of time.)
[1] I've even been accused of it, but anyone who has GM'd my husband has differed.
[2] Let's talk about the strap-on incident later.
[3] There's a reason I'm fine with my little girl being a baby jaguar.