I've had a(nother) game cancelled at an ACNW.
So, I had been very frustrated about the third game I wanted to run at ACNW 2008. I know it came out in the description, leaving a certain incoherence and a certain level of nonchalance that didn't give the same "bang" in the description as I've been able to make in other games. I know that was part of it.
Now, obviously, I'm fighting a malaise in my games - I've had some big hits and some big misses at previous instances of the convention. I've had a couple games just unravel on me - certainly I want to claim what part of it is my fault, but I've also had tired players and other participation/play-style issues. So it could just be the number of people (a small but significant number) who say, "I'll play in anything but MaB's games."
It was also post-Merlin, and that's ALWAYS had a set of people who have said, "No way," so that's worth considering. Myself, I run a strong Merlin, and I ignore the whining/super aspects (and the "Able to Speak and Sing" Powers) and come up with a character who is tech-savvy and very modern but also still able to handle the more savage aspects of his society.
The idea here, though, is how I would have felt in previous years to have a game cancelled, and the truth is, while I have reasons to be relieved, I am actually strangely (to me) fine with this.
Steven Barnes talks a lot about "death of the ego shell" and I think that part of it is that, simply, I do not have "GM" as so much of my identity anymore. I still enjoy it - my "Please and Shank You!" game was a fun example, if it devolved a little during the killing cycle, and even although the game I ran at WorldCon wasn't at all what I wanted it to be, I still gave a taste of the game.
I have a lot of energy and ideas ready for "The Madness of King Lir" and "A Friendly Exchange" that makes me think they have the potential to be intense games.
But I'm not going to feel like I've failed somehow if I'm not "full up" in my games. It'd sound too much like sour grapes to say, "Maybe next year I won't run anything," but I won't run anything for which I don't feel like I have a real, solid enthusiasm, time, and energy. I never should have in the first place, and that's where I want to take the blame for the past failures.